I met the friendliest cop last night
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
