just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
