So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
