we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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