he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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