Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
