Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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