The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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