sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
