Apparently you make a good broom.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
