I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
