Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
