my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
