nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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