I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
