So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
