You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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