Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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