All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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