Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
