im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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