there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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