i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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