Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
