Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
