Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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