The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
