trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
