to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
