I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
