The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
zippers are such a cool invention
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
