I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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