Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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