i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
