By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize