I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
