dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
