Just mADE A PArabola og urine
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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