i was born a porn star she said
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
