I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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