you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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