I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
