I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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