She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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