I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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