my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
