How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
