8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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