Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
