Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
