I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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