Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
