What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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