We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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