I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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