Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
