I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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