Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
