I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She even gives head with a lisp.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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