Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
